As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
