Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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