i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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