Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
