Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You are a genius and a whore.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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