The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
