im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
