My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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