He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
our cab driver is having phone sex.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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