make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
