i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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