this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Damn victory sex feels great
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
