He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
