He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
