just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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