Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
