I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize