So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
