I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
