just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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