He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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