dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
its liver damage thursday
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
