did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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