I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
