mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
i need to put some appletini on your dick
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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