my vag is so smooth its legendary
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
