i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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