You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
