i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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