Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
