i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
