How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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