so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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