Pants 0. Shit 1.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
