i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
