That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
