tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Randomize
