I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
