I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
