it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
