Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
