Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
