i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
