That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
