dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
