She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
