Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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