Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
