i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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