did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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