I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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