I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
